May 5, 2013

Sucky Timing

May 5th, 2012.  I remember that day way too vividly.  Em's soccer game, followed by a top secret dinner in Jasper, followed by the hug.

The start.

I have been thinking back to that day a LOT this past week, trying to wash away the feeling of sadness associated with it because it's a day that stands out.  I was so happy that day.  Never in a million years would I have predicted what would be thrown at me over the next year.  Never would I have predicted cancer scare after cancer scare over the following months. The fear.  The loneliness.  The heartache.  The hope for better.  More heartache.

And then this past week, topped off by being blindsided once again.  Today.  Of all the days to choose from, it was today.  A day where I was already struggling, trying to grasp everything that had happened over the past year.  How much I have had to deal with over the past year.

I thought maybe this could be a small run of happiness for me, if nothing else.  And it was.  It just wasn't  supposed to be this small of a run.  No hard feelings.  Just tears being shed tonight.  The tequila probably isn't helping with that.

Just... of all days.

Blah.  Gotta pull up my bootstraps tomorrow and move forward once again. 


April 23, 2013


I kept waiting on a reason
And a call that never came

No, I never saw it coming
Something in you must have changed

All the words unspoken, promises broken
I cried for so long
Wasted too much time, should've seen the signs
Now I know just what went wrong

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

All the nights we spent, just talking
Of the things we wanted out of life
Making plans and dreams together

Wish I'd seen, I was just too blind

My heart was open, exposed and hoping
For you to lay it on the line

In the end it seemed
There was no room for me
Still, I tried to change your mind

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

February 8, 2013

Amused and Content

 I think this about sums things up.

Not exactly.  So much has happened this week, and it's all been unexpected.  Unplanned.  And has left a huge smile on my face, both amused and content.  My life is not dramatic.  It will never be dramatic.  I am an adult.  I am moving on in my life and others need to also.  My, do they need to.  I am so excited for what's in store for me.  It's funny how things fall apart so something much much better can be built. 


February 4, 2013



Em ran her fever for 5 days straight, and it took another day after that before she was back to her usual self. She had no other symptoms other than a headache and some dizziness.  I'm just glad it's out of her system, and she's back to school and we're back to our normal routine.

I missed two days of work because of it.  My dad was able to take her one day for me, and then the other two were over the weekend.

And then my dad got sick.  His is bronchitis, so I don't know if Em has any part in it or not.  I still feel bad about it though.

Then we got snow, and they called a two-hour delay.  Ok.  My dad is my go-to person when these things happen because of his work hours.  Only he was sick.  So I left my manager a voicemail letting her know I would be late but would be in just as soon as I dropped Em off at school.  No big deal.

Only, the next morning after we were up and getting ready, I got the call that school was cancelled.  Crap.  I had no other choice.  I called my manager, told her what was going on, offered to bring Em with me so I could get some things done.  She told me it is what it is, to stay home, and she'd see me on Monday... that if anyone needed anything from me that day, they could just do it themselves.  And then she laughed.  We both knew nobody was going to do a damn thing and would leave it for me to deal with it when I returned.

Then I hear from my sister.  My niece's daycare closed because of the weather.  She called my dad because he's our go-to person.  Ha!  And she found out he was sick and found herself in the same boat I was.  Long story short, I went from working to babysitting. 

It was good.  I had two babysitters myself to take care of the guinea pig while I cleaned his cage.  After I gave him a bath.

Yeah, I gave my guinea pig a bath.  I only lost one finger, and that was while getting him out of the cage.  He actually sat still during the whole bathing process.  I washed him with Dawn dish soap.  I figured if it's good for animals rescued from oil spills, it's good enough for our Denny. 

Yesterday, I got away for a few hours or so during the afternoon.  You know, Em-less.  It's been a while since I've had that opportunity, and I needed it.  I went to French Lick.  I had never been there before, so we went to the resort and the dome.  It was neat.  I don't know how many hours passed while we sat in the dome, hanging out talking while people watching.  I love people watching.  We had a late lunch in a restaurant located in the casino of the resort, but to get there you had to be carded.  That's where the fun began.  The guy scanned my driver's license, looked at it and the screen in front of him.  Scanned it again.  Again, looked at it and the screen in front of him.  And then he said, "I'm gonna need you to tell me how old you are."

Oh. My. Word.  The times of going to bars from age 21-25 came flashing back to me.  I laughed and told him my age.  He asked when my birthday was.  I told him.  He said, "You sure don't look 32."

Thanks!  You made my day, guy who is definitely way older than 32.  But really, if I were underage and had a fake i.d., why would I make myself that much older than 21?!  Who in their right mind would do that?? lol

French Lick was fun.  It was nice to get away for a couple hours on a Sunday afternoon.  Next time, I'm going when it's warm out... not snowing.  And at night.  And for a longer period of time. 

I am tired.  Not bad tired, just wore out from trying to catch up from not being there on Friday.  I swear, I'm gonna go around with a nurse before all is said and done with.  Pretty sure it takes her just as many steps to get to the fax machine from her desk as it does me, but she throws all her damn faxes in a box beside her desk for me to do it... even though they moved the damn fax machine closer to her... because she's freaking lazy and knows I can't add those documents to the patient files until they've been faxed.  So she leaves them for me to see to it that they're faxed.  It's not her problem in her eyes.  Seriously.  No one else in that entire building is that lazy that they won't even fax the damn forms that they themselves filled out.  No one.

And then my favorite dang receptionist tells me she's taking a job elsewhere within the hospital.  I swear, if it weren't for her and Jennifer being there, I would lose my ever-lovin mind.  All I can say is Jennifer better not leave me too.  Well, it'd be more like those people and that place better not drive Jennifer out too.  I will cry if she ever follows through on her threats to get the hell out of that place. 

I had a flare up of symptoms last week, but it wasn't too bad.  My hip started hurting, and that's a sign of what's coming.  The theory is my hip (sometimes hips) hurt when my platelets start going wonky because that's where most of the blood supply is produced.  Something during that process is failing.  Don't know what; don't know why.  I had a couple days of being super tired, to the point where I was hugged and told I don't look good and have people worried again.  Ugh, I know I have people scared.  But I honestly feel better -- so super much better -- than I did even just a couple months ago.  I did fall asleep before 8 a couple nights.  It was so nice.  It only lasted a few days.  I figured I would have bruising pop up because that's what usually happens, but it didn't happen.  However, I did cut myself and it took freaking forever for it to stop bleeding.  Blood was pouring out of that tiny cut.  That is not normal. 

My doctor here got a report from my hematologist today.  Overall, it's pretty good.  He talked about all the small improvements I have made and stated he believes I will continue to make a full recovery, and if that is the case, then there is no reason for me to have to see him as long as I continue to do well.  He'll still check in on me from time-to-time though, if this is the direction things go.  He also talked about my weight loss and stated he has concerns of there being a tumor hidden in my abdomen somewhere.  That was a scary paragraph to read.  Right now, I am at 3 weeks post-appointment.  I was given 6 to not lose a large amount of weight -- nothing more than a pound or two.  When I weighed myself this morning, I was down another pound. That's not too bad -- 3 pounds in 3 weeks.  I can deal with that.

Overall I'm doing pretty good, I think.  Lots more smiles.  Lots more laughing.  Lots more looking forward.  I don't remember the last time I cried, and I love that.  I had forgotten how nice certain things are, and I am enjoying it a lot.  I am finally excited to see what the future holds. 

My cheeks hurt from smiling so much once again.  I missed that.


January 28, 2013

I Need to Eat a Big Mac

My pants are falling off of me. Literally.
All my clothes are huge on me.
But especially the pants.

So... out of curiosity, I went to try on pants to see what size I am down to. I picked up a couple pairs of jeans in a certain size and was browsing other clothes when a sales person came up and asked if she could take them for me so that I would have free hands to look around.


She comes back to me.

"Jessica, I hate to tell you this but those jeans aren't going to work for you. There is no way you are that size."

Well... geez, chick!!

"I have been doing this job for a long time and am pretty good at looking at someone and knowing what size they are."


"You need such-and-such smaller size."

Whaaaaat?!?!?! There is no freaking way I could squeeze my ass into that size.

"Trust me. I'm gonna throw a couple pairs of that size in your dressing room so you can see for yourself."

So, I tried a pair on.

One leg in.
Then the other.
Up and over my ass.
Zipped and buttoned.

Holy freaking crap, she was right!!!

Now, I look small. But, in clothes that fit me, I realized I am soooo super small.  Like smaller than I was in high school small. And I wasn't big by no means in high school.

It's scary.

And standing there, looking at just how small I am, I did indeed think I need to eat a freaking Big Mac. Or ten. Probably 10.

Except I don't like 'em.

did eat Oreos for supper Friday night. Fudge-covered, even.
So I eat, and I do eat junk sometimes.
I just keep losing weight for some damn reason.

Tomorrow morning is a weight check  It'll be interesting to see where I stand.


January 26, 2013


Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

I got butterflies this morning.
Stomach-fluttering, cheesy-grin-causing butterflies.

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

I'm not ready. 
I've been asked out by more guys than I care to think about over the past couple weeks.
I've shut every one of them down.
I'm not ready.

But I am not in charge.
Maybe things are unfolding as they are supposed to for me, whether I feel I am ready or not.
Maybe those butterflies were always a part of the plan, the life, created for me.

I don't know.  I don't remember the last time I felt butterflies.
Not very many people have caused them.  In fact, just one is coming to mind at the moment.
And that was years and years and years ago.

So yeah, today's butterflies are kinda a huge deal.

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.


January 24, 2013

Silly Me

Work was going great this morning.  2 hours in, everything was going smoothly.  My office is huge, with two rooms.  I was in one room, my cell phone in the other.  I heard it vibrating from a phone call, just figured it was another call from someone wanting money from me. Ha!

The receptionist came through and said my phone was ringing, and a question mark was on the screen.  So I told her that I probably was right in thinking it was someone wanting money.  She says she gets those calls all the time too lol.  Then, for some dang reason, I said "Well... come to think of it, if it's the school calling me, it would show up as a question mark too because I don't have a picture assigned to the number.  Crap. I better go check to be safe."

Silly me.

It was the freaking dang school.

So I call my voicemail to listen to the message they left, and my work phone starts ringing.

Same number.


"We have Em in the office with a fever."
"Oh, that's not good."
"Yeah, it's quite high.  103.8"
Insert me feeling like the worst mom in the world right about now. 

So, I freaked.
Told my office manager I was leaving, left everything where it was, and called downstairs to the Peds clinic to give them a head's up that we'd be there in a little bit for a visit.

That's one of the perks of my working where I do and with the people I do.  I don't have to mess with appointments and waiting for openings.

I walked into the school to get Em, and she's in the nurse's office with her knees pulled up to her chest.  She comes out while I'm filling out the form to take her with me, and I ask her if she's feeling bad.  She tells me she has a headache, but that she thinks it's just from the kids in her class being so "berry" loud.

I cracked up.

She said it didn't start until she was in class this morning.  So maybe I'm not the worst mom in the world for thinking she was fine when I dropped her off this morning.

Other than that, she said she felt fine.

So I get her home to give her Tylenol.  First thing out of her mouth was whether she could play with her toys.  I told her I needed to get some medicine in her for that fever.  I took her temp.  Um.... I asked if they gave her any medicine while she was in the office. 


Hmm... ok.  I took her temp in the opposite ear.

And then back to the first again.


Her temp was only 101.3, and yeah it's still a fever but there's a huge difference between 101.3 and 103.8.  So yeah, definitely not the worst mom in the world because I didn't miss her having a fever that high because she didn't have a fever that high to begin with.

Silly me for believing the nurse.  I should have known better after the immunization fiasco at the beginning of the year, where if it were up to her, Em would have gotten an unnecessary second series of shots she had already gotten as a baby. 

So I called the doctor and let them know there was no need for us to come in, she wasn't nearly as bad off as they made her out to be, and we spent our day watching cartoons on Disney Jr.

As long as she's got Tylenol in her she's good, except for some dizziness.  Tomorrow she gets to spend the day with my dad and they're both excited about it.  Hard telling what kind of mess the two of them will get into together.

Since I had a short work day, I had the opportunity to take a nap this afternoon when Em fell asleep on the couch watching cartoons.  Silly me for actually taking the nap because now I won't be able to sleep again tonight.

Fingers crossed I don't get her little bug!


January 23, 2013

Be Still My Heart

Okay, that might not be the best thing after all.  I don't want it to be still.  It's being still is kinda the problem.

More like "Get your act together, heart."

It's been skipping beats all day.  Doesn't race.  It just beats along nice and normal, then a pause, and it picks right back up as if nothing's happened.  It hasn't happened for quite a while, and it's not really a big deal.  Just feels weird and causes me to be more tired than usual.

So tonight, I am gonna try my hardest to go to bed early.  Like fall asleep before 2 am early, because that seems to be my newest thing -- barely sleeping.  But last night was partly because the night got away from me while talking to some people. Before I knew it, it was after 1 and I had done nothing to get things ready for today.  Ugh lol.

August 11, 1012
January 5, 2013
I saw these two pictures side by side last night and wanted to cry.  Alone, they both look great.  Together, you can tell something is up. I think I look sick in the second one, now that I've seen the two together. Yeah, I'm pale in both but my skin tone in the second is kinda grayish.  And then the dark circles under my eyes... the bones sticking out of me....


Nothing like being faced with reality!


January 21, 2013

Windshields and Swinging

Again, a friend is getting quoted.

"Remember that the windshield is bigger than the rear-view mirror, because where you're going is more important than where you've been."

And I was doing pretty good with that yesterday.  Until....

I don't know what some people are thinking.  Or maybe that's the problem.  They aren't thinking, not about anyone other than themselves.  They sure as hell aren't thinking about how their actions may affect someone else, or their gloating may cause someone else pain.  Regardless of whether it was intentional or not, some need to realize that what they're doing is hurtful.  To someone who has already been hurt far more than necessary.  I don't need these wounds to continuously be opened.  I'm trying to heal here. I don't want to keep looking at the rear-view mirror.  I'm trying to focus on the windshield.

Except, it's kinda hard to do because I feel like I'm stuck in the damn glove box or something.  Just kinda hanging there in between the two, not ever going to go backwards but soooo not yet ready to see what's coming at me through that windshield.  

Some people think I shouldn't be talking to Tramp's hubby.  Because of the very reason I wrote about above. I put it out there to him that if he ever needed to talk, I was there.  And I mean it.  But... when he starts providing info on things happening between Jim and her, the wounds are freaking ripped opened.  I've never asked for info on them, he just started talking and talking and talking the other night.  And I sooo did not need to hear a lot of it.  But of course he didn't realize what he was doing to me, he doesn't realize that while he's been going through this since October, I have only been in this position for just a couple weeks and that everything is very raw for me still.  He's proposed we meet up for drinks or a movie, and I know he needs friends because Tramp ran all his off throughout the course of their marriage... I even have tinkered with the thought of "adopting" him, so to speak.  But I definitely think more time needs to pass before we can hang out so that when he does start talking about Jim and Tramp, I don't completely freaking lose it again.  And I know he has no clue he had this effect on me the other night, but he did.  And unfortunately others did too without realizing it, as well.


I haven't slept well at all the past 3 nights.  Like tossing and turning and not falling asleep until 3ish.  Ugh!  I need my sleep.

Last night was more of the same -- a lot of restlessness, lots of waking up, and very little sleep.  But there was a dream.  I was swinging.  And singing.  And it is driving me crazy I cannot remember the song because I feel it means something.  But it was the whole dang song, and I was belting that sucker out with all my heart.  As I was swinging.

It's stuck with me all morning.

What the heck was that song?!?!?!?!

"To dream you are on a swing represents an expression of great satisfaction and freedom. It also symbolizes cycles and movement.  To dream that you are swinging suggests you are going back and forth in some situation and need to make up your mind."

"To sing in your dream represents happiness, harmony and joy in some situation or relationship.  You are uplifting others with your positive attitude and cheerful disposition.  Singing is a way to celebrate, communicate, and express your feelings.  You are changing your mood and experiencing a more positive outlook on life."

Yeah... I don't know if I agree lol.  I feel the dang song was more symbolic that anything else, but I cannot remember even a part of it.

I hope I sleep better tonight.  I've got so much weighing on me, I need rest but it's that same stuff that's weighing on me that is keeping me from sleeping at night.  I am gonna have to get the PET scan.  That's a definite.  I stepped on the scale at work this morning and disagreed with what it had to say, so I stepped off and back on again.  Got the same dang result.  They gave me 6 weeks to only lose a pound or two.  I lost two pounds since Friday alone.  And that's with Mi Pueblo thrown in there.  The next 5-1/2 weeks should be interesting.  The grand total is... just mind-blowing.  If I was trying to lose all this, I would be shouting the number out to every person that would listen.  But when you're not trying, it's a very huge and very scary number.

But enough of that.  I need to find a windshield to look out of.


January 20, 2013


I'm not gonna lie, I was a mess yesterday.
At first.
I just wanted to stay in bed all day yesterday.  I finally got up and got showered and dressed, but then I freaking curled back up on my bed and got sucked into half-ass watching ABC Family movies with Em with tears in my eyes the entire time.

But then the words of my buddy played through my head -- "Keep your chin up and your eyes forward."  It's like his theme for me anytime I hit a rough patch. It's been long enough.  I never have been able to get my head straight after my appointment Wednesday.  If I'm a believer in the rule of 3s, I've had my 3 blows -- one Wednesday, one Thursday, and one Friday.  I've shed enough tears over the course of these past couple days.  Enough setbacks on the moving forward.  It's time to start pulling myself together again.

My resolution this year was more.  More HAPPY mores, but that's not been the case thus far.  I was talking to a friend yesterday, giving him the update on my doctor's appointment and the other crap and I made the comment that this is not the more I was talking about when I made my resolution.  He came back with "It's only 19 days into the year... this is just leftovers from last year."  And it just... helped.  Put things into perspective.  Because it is true.  Everything negative that has happened to me so far this year, is indeed leftover from last year.  No new problems or issues have come up.  It's just more of dealing with the same old crap.  So things aren't too bad.  And I need to keep focusing on that fact.  I did tell him I did not ever agree to those terms of 2012's junk following me into this year. I guess I should have read the fine print a little more closely.

 Em and I ran to CVS so she could pick out a birthday card for my stepdad.  Of course she picks one that is 8 freaking dollars. $8 for a piece of cardstock folded in half.  Geez!  But while I was there, I ran into a friend of mine who  hasn't seen me for probably a good 9 months or so. She came up to me and gave me a hug and then started gushing over how amazing I look and how much weight I have lost.  I was all, "Thanks, but it's not under the greatest circumstances."  When we worked together, we were so close, but that was years ago and she had no idea about what I've been dealing with since June/July of last year because I don't talk about it on Facebook and very few people out of work and my family/super close friends know what's been going on.  So I gave her a cliff notes version, spelling out words I didn't want Em exposed to since she was beside me.  Needless to say, she wasn't expecting it.

But I walked away with a new more to add to my list.  More fostering friendships.  I hate losing touch with people in life.  The real, true people in life, those who care for you genuinely, not the ones who are just waiting for the opportunity to screw you over the first chance they get. And she is one of the good ones who has essentially slipped out of my life because our lives took us on our separate paths.  I miss our going out to dinner and drinks, laughs and girl talk.

So... more. More of that too this year dangit.
With more people.

We went to my mom's house for a while after that, and somehow the subject of my finances -- or lack thereof -- was brought up.  My brother's jaw dropped when he found out how much I make a year.  He is in college still and his yearly income 2 years ago was more than mine this past year.  Adding up the thousands of dollars in medical bills I've accrued since July, on top of the everyday bills, and they had an eye-opener as to what I am facing and why I was near tears discussing the fact a PET scan costs up to $6000. Even if my insurance approves the scan, using that dollar amount as a price point, I would still be responsible for $4250 of the cost.  My mom thinks I need to wait until I get a diagnosis to see what this is, what I am up against, and file for bankruptcy if it does end up being the best-case scenario that we're all hoping for.  It's freaking crazy.  Working for a hospital and drowning in medical bills because of the insurance and measly pay that hospital provides for it's employees.

Then she got the bright idea that we just need to find me a husband. I said, "Yeah, since I'm doing so well in that area by finding out my stupid ex was cheating on me."  Oh mom, you sure know how to bring up the best topics regarding my life. But it gets better lol.  She's decided we wouldn't ever have to see each other, it'd just be a sugar daddy type thing for me -- him supporting me financially and putting me on his medical insurance -- and said she's sure she could find a willing participant at Toyota, where she works.

.... I think my mom may start trying to play matchmaker by the look she got on her face after saying that. I swear I saw a light bulb come on over her head. Ha!

And then... what I needed the most, a night of laughing with friends.  Seriously, those nights are what help me the most.  YOU GUYS are what help the most.  So thank you.  I had a couple moments of drifting off, thinking too much about things I shouldn't have been, but for the most part I was there in the moment and enjoying myself.

And dare I say it... I even had a few thoughts about the future and looking forward to the fun we're planning on having as the year moves forward.  Warmer weather really needs to get here fast!!

So I think I am back to getting my head straight and pulling myself together again.  I just need those dang leftover to stay in the past.